I am the mentor
by Quince's Blue Moon-Chillflower
Summary: I am the mentor who messed up in life. I am the mentor who failed. I am the mentor who fell in love with her apprentice. I am the mentor...


I am the mentor

I am the mentor who fell in love with her apprentice. I am the mentor who lost her love in a border fight. I am the mentor who wanted revenge on Thunderclan. I am the mentor who tried to rob Thunderclan of Sunningrocks while their leader was weak. I am the mentor who foolishly joined the most horrible cats in the clan's history believing that we would share power equally. I am the leader who seemed to make all the wrong choices. I am the cat who was never shown any pity, sympathy or love, except from Whiteclaw, Silverstream and Crookedstar.

Hello, I'm Leopardstar. The leader of Riverclan, the most powerful clan of the clans. I've been leader of this great clan for a long, long time. I've been leader through the Bloodclan Battle to the Great Journey and onwards. So, I'm old. I'll start long ago, back when I was deputy. It was simpler back then. Everyone was happier. Firestar, nicknamed the "hero of the clans" had just become a warrior with his best friend Graystripe.

I fell in love with Whiteclaw, my former apprentice. We had a border fight with Thunderclan and Windclan, and he was killed in it. The pain I felt was unlimited. I felt like it was the worst nightmare in my life. Like it was me dying, being torn and ripped apart from the inside. My time with Whiteclaw flashed before my eyes. Us being together. I never knew what it felt like to lose your love, your first love. I never really loved any cat again. I was launched into depression, only my duty as Riverclan deputy held me together and gave me strength. Then it turned from depression to fury, I wanted revenge, to make those whose fault Whiteclaw's death was to feel pain. It still hurts to think about it.

Then there was a battle with Windclan. I went straight after Deadfoot and nearly killed him. I wanted him to die. But then I went after his mate, I admit it, I killed his mate, It hurts for me to admit it. The guilt still claws at me. Then I nearly killed Firestar, whose name was Fireheart back then. I'm glad I didn't kill him. I went on a warpath after that, only being driven off by Bluestar and Tallstar themselves, but I claimed one of Tallstar's lives. Whiteclaw would've been there with me too if those warriors hadn't ever crossed onto Riverclan territory.

I had, had it with Thunderclan and I convinced him not to attack Thunderclan with Windclan and Shadowclan, but I didn't care enough to warn Thunderclan about the two clans attacking them. Tallstar was ungrateful towards Thunderclan for helping them. He was unworthy of being a leader. I was glad that he and his clan got beaten by the better ones, Thunderclan. After that nothing really of interest happened. Tigerstar, who had ben Tigerclaw all of those many, many moons ago, he was exiled. I was surprised when I saw Fireheart instead of Tigerclaw, and I was infuriated that he got to be deputy. My hate reignited.

Then the forest was dull, except for the death of a Thunderclan warrior, Runningwind. There was a fire after that, on Thunderclan territory. I hate to admit it, but seeing their territory burn filled me with satisfaction. Then they tried to get across the river. A couple of warriors and I humored them and helped out, and we could ask for a favor in return. I had my mind set on one thing from then on, getting Sunningrocks back. I saw Bluestar. I knew she was going insane. Soon she would become weak. Mentally and physically. She was old too. Back then she was probably a little younger then I am now.

After that Tigerclaw became Tigerstar, the leader of Shadowclan, and I became Leopardstar of Riverclan. He was strong, Shadowclan had been weakened from a horrible sickness and he was bringing them back to power. But he was also planning something else, behind everyone's backs. He was going to Sunningrocks and trying to lure a pack of dogs to the Thunderclan camp to destroy his former clan. Before the dogs even got there I tried to snatch Sunningrocks right out from Thunderclans grasp. And I did it when their leader was at her weakest. I exiled Graystripe, he had fallen in love with Silverstream, a Riverclan warrior. She died having his kits. He went over to Riverclan to be with them. It seems many things were taken away from me by Thunderclan. Silverstream was my friend, she was younger than me. I caused Graystripe pain by making him stay away from his kits. Then Bluestar died killing the dog pack and saving her clan.

Tigerstar then asked me to join him to make one clan. I agreed. I regret it, I've always regretted it. I nearly destroyed my clan. I found out that my deputy was Bluestar's kit, and so was his sister. Tigerstar and his warriors killed my deputy and tortured Graystripe's kits and my deputy's sister, who is my deputy right now. Then Firestar, Graystripe and their friend Ravenpaw saved the prisoners. We attacked Windclan and then met Thunderclan and Windclan at Fourtrees. Tigerstar brought out a clan called Boodclan. When they refused to attack he attacked their leader. Tigerstar's nine lived were taken away from him all in one blow from Bloodclan's leader.

Then the clans were threatened by Bloodclan, but we fought against them and won. Then there was the Great Journey. I don't need to explain that. Well, anyway, I lived far past that. Here I am now, thin, old, sick. I'm nothing compared to what I once was, my honor is fading with my life. I can hear Whiteclaw and Silverstream faintly calling me. I still have an amount of time left. I've heard the apprentices say that they can almost see stars in my fur. I know my deputy will be an excellent leader. My clan doesn't need me as much as they used to.

So now my life is peaceful, I don't have to do anything except wait really. Wait until I die. It's not as bad as you think really. It's like being an elder. I heard footsteps coming. Petalfur walks into my den. I remember what was reported to me just moments ago it seems.

"They tell me Rippletail isn't with you and that the water is returning. I would like to thank you." I say to her. My sick voice sounds hoarse. I want to wince. My voice used to be much smoother and younger. "Why?"

"Why would you care?" Petalfur retorts bitterly. I look at her in the most utter surprise. No warrior has ever spoken to me that way. Then she was shocked that she had said such a thing to her leader. "No one in the clan cared about us until you found out that _we_ were the ones bringing in extra fish and were sent on the patrol."

I'm surprised. I never knew that. And I won't pretend I did. I'm done pretending. I pretended that everything was fine when I was with Tigerstar and look where doing that got my clan and I. Even the smallest of words reminds me of my long past. I wonder if that's how all cats my age think. Maybe it's just me. I can tell I look shocked. I'm not going to bother pulling myself together quickly like I used to when I needed to, now I don't need to. Petalfur stands in front of me, fur bristling slightly.

"That was you?" I ask her. I know that there's no need to Petalfur's fur bristles more. She loved Rippletail. I know it, the exact same hing happened to me after Whiteclaw was killed. I told my leader almost the same things. He understood, good old Crookedstar. And just like him, I'll understand.

"You never even knew!? Why did you send us on the patrol then!?" Petalfur didn't need an answer. I know she found it out in a short moment. I sent them because they were the weakest. I used the two of them. I destroyed love, and now I'm sorry, but I know that won't fix it. It's like Whiteclan and I.

I look down at my paws for a moment. "I-I'm sorry."

"It's too late for that Leopardstar. We never got any credit, and it's your fault this happened. Rippletail was killed by these big brown animals that moved swiftly in the water. They had huge sharp teeth and flat tails. They were blocking the river with logs. They're called beavers. That's all you and the clan needs to know. And they need to know it was your fault one of our warriors didn't come back."

I know everything she said already. It always seems that even though we know sorry won't fix it, we say it anyway. I know that. It's one of the lessons I've learned through out my life. Maybe you can learn from my life too, don't make the mistakes I did.


End file.
